More and more people are planning their farewell ceremonies in advance. A case in point was Elizabeth.
It was a beautiful summer’s day when I met Elizabeth. She was serene and happy despite knowing her end was near. Her beautiful smile lit up her face as she explained how she was looking forward to the next step – her transition to the world of souls. She had already given away most of her belongings, or sent them for recycling.
It was time to plan her funeral as she wanted to be sure that her family wouldn’t be overwhelmed with the task of organising it. And she wanted to know that all the details would be as she wished.
Why don’t we have a look through my collection of poems, I asked her. You can choose the one you like best. To my surprise she had one already prepared. She went into another room and brought back a slip of handwritten paper. It was a prayer! A prayer for a lady who had long since turned her back on the church! But it was totally appropriate for her. She had chosen a beautiful prayer about love.
We carried on in that vein for about two hours, discussing all her preferences, talking about her eventful life. Those two hours were unforgettable for me – getting to know a wonderful, a very special person.
And that is what an advance funeral planning session can be.
Later I sent Elizabeth her personal eulogy, written on the basis of the information she had given me, together with the text of the whole ceremony. For the time being I had left open the section relating to her death. She modified a couple of small details for me and sent it back. Now she could be sure her funeral would be just as she wanted.
Five months later, on a snowy winter’s day, her family and close friends met in the woodland cemetery Elizabeth had chosen. I conducted the funeral I had prepared with her. It was a very moving moment – for them but also for me.
There are many people like Elizabeth who would like to plan their funerals in advance.
In most cases, their families are grateful that they did so. Relatives have their hands more than full with all the administrative tasks facing them – terminating the rental contract and emptying the apartment, distributing or recycling personal belongings, informing family and friends, paying outstanding bills, dealing with taxes, and so on. Of course, all of these tasks become much more difficult if family members are not familiar with the way things work in Switzerland and do not speak the language. And yet, so many family members have to cope with all of these challenges when they are in a state of shock and grief.
In the processing of this grief, a funeral has an important role to play. It provides a safe place for family to open up to their emotions. In doing this they have the support of other people – friends and family attending the funeral – who share their loss. This is a first step in integrating the loss in their future lives.
However, organising a dignified farewell ceremony in the midst of grief is not easy. There are many factors that can make it even harder. Important family members may be far away, in other countries, and it is not always easy to liaise with them. In some families there is considerable conflict, other families may be torn apart by divorce leading to the existence of two different families with diverging ideas.
This can make it extremely difficult to agree about an appropriate ceremony. Family members may have different opinions about the deceased’s wishes. Or they may want to impose their own ideas about what is right. Of course it does not help that participants can be upset, angry, in a situation of shock or quite unable to cope as a result of their loss.
What is more, the younger generation will often know very little about the childhood or young adulthood of a deceased parent or grandparent. They may be out of touch with a parent living in another country. Living themselves in different countries, they might miss out the names of important friends who should be invited. Many do not even know whether their deceased relative wanted to be buried or cremated. They don’t really know the deceased’s thoughts about spirituality or religion, or if they believed in a life after death.
Thoughtful planning will solve a great many of these problems. It can include not just the funeral itself but also many organisational matters that have to be dealt with after death, including the disposal of personal belongings, notifications and dealings with the authorities.
A very simple step for people living in Switzerland is to register their burial wishes with the local authority (Gemeinde). Some local authorities even provide an online form for this purpose. In the city of Zurich, for instance, residents can fill in a form which records whether they wish to be buried or cremated, what type of grave they would like, which cemetery they want to be buried in and the name of a contact person after their death.
Another possibility is to complete a “funeral instructions” form (Bestattungsverfügung). A good example of this is Pro Senectute’s “Anordnungen für den Todesfall” (or Dispositions de fin de vie), available in German, French and ItalianThis records some of the same details as in local authority forms, but also includes additional information on wishes regarding a funeral home, type of coffin, place of funeral (church or other location). In addition, there are sections for recording insurance, pension and bank account numbers, the location of keys and important documents (passport, “Schriftenempfangschein”, rental agreement), and the name of the most important people to be informed in the event of death.
Some cantons, like Zurich, cover basic funeral costs, but in others this is not the case, and the average cost facing families is estimated to be between Fr. 4000 and Fr. 8000 (Everlife.ch). In some cases this can be much higher. To avoid this by prepaying the estimated costs, the best approach is to draw up a prepaid funeral plan (Bestattungsvorsorgevertrag) with a funeral home. The funeral plan covers the name of the funeral home responsible for the funeral, the services included (burial, funeral, individual wishes and contacts) and the financing.
A final tip – you may wish to give some thought to what happens to your digital legacy. This covers all those things that live on in the internet after death – files or pictures in the cloud, social media accounts like Facebook or Instagram, e-mail-accounts, websites, logins for online shops. On its website, Swisscom has a useful guide on the subject in German (Ihr Leitfaden für den digitalen Nachlass), French (Guide de la succession numérique) and Italian. Information in English is available at the Digital Legacy Association, which also has a digital legacy planning app. Swisscom recommends making a list of all digital accounts and saving access data in a password manager. The next step is to find a person you trust who can administer your digital legacy for you. A number of services such as Apple, Google and Facebook have the option of specifying a digital legacy contact person in your account.
And that just leaves that task of determining the details and programme of the funeral itself. The best option for those who do not (or no longer) belong to a specific church and prefer an individualised farewell ceremony is to engage a funeral celebrant. He or she can work with you to create a personalised and dignified funeral. You will meet in your residence, discussing your wishes and talking about your life. Together you will put together the whole ceremony – music, readings, symbolic actions – and discuss possible readers or speakers from the family. The name of a contact person after your death can also be determined at this meeting.
Like Elizabeth, you now have peace of mind. You have taken the burden off your family and the whole ceremony will be conducted the way you want it to. For Elizabeth, this left her free to focus her mind and prepare herself for death. For you, it means you can devote your remaining years to whatever is most important for you.
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